It's almost as though you're stuck at the bottom of the ocean with your legs chained down by a giant rock. You can still breathe and you're not drowning, but you're in a serious stump. As you watch the outside world move, you're still stuck in place, just seeing the world change while you stay exactly the same. Everyone goes through it and they all have to figure their own way to solve it without the consultation of others. It's almost like a right of passage and tests whether you can act on your own, like what had happened to me. The definition of stump for me, was losing connections with people I was once close with. Family, friends and people I wouldn't know whose relationship statuses were complicated. I went from normal in my younger years to disregarding my own thoughts in place of what others had thought of me."I am me" became "I am what they think of me".
As a child, I grew up being able to confide in people very often. It could have been my mom or my dad, or even my grandma, but after a while, this "stump" decided to develop in my life. My parents, who were once a great duo together, were starting to argue more than normal, leaving my brother and I stuck right in the middle and confused by their actions. I was able to get through it by taking out my exasperation towards my other family, which worked at first, but people don't always stick around. My questions would always stay the same, but as time went by, their answers wavered. "Grandma, why are Mom and Dad fighting?" "Dad, why are you moving away?" "Mom, who is that guy?" At first, they would reword their answers as nicely as possible, sparing my childish mind that didn't understand the world of the adults, but as time went by, their responses became shorter and more blunt. Their words, laced with venom and hatred, split my family apart until I barely saw one or the other, for the famous "divorce" had taken place. The people that raised me and had grown up with me were starting to drift and I had grown afraid. Afraid of what?
I wasn't exactly sure, but I would panic and take refuge by shrouding away to the next best things: Friends. They weren't family and didn't exactly know your entire life story, but they were there for you when things brought you down. You had shared moments that made you cry together and moments that made you smile 'till your face hurt and your stomach was cramping from laughing so hard. It would be the same as before, but whenever I had come across a dilemma, I'd immediately go to tell them instead of the people that had the same blood running through their veins as me; I didn't want to even look at this so called family of mine, feeling betrayed by their actions. Friends would always lend a helping hand when I was in this stump and always wanted the best for me, until I began to get mixed feelings about their actions. Elated smiles became forced and stiff while spending time together seemed to always lead to awkward silence, with both parties doing their own separate things. It was almost as though they didn't want to listen and me jabbering on and on was starting to deteriorate at the friendship bit by bit.
Seeing them upset and uncomfortable was never your intention and you realize what had been happening. It had been your fault. Not being cognizant of their feelings and just being selfish on your own; it was like they only were there because they felt bad, they pitied me. I used them to vent my feelings about my past I couldn't let go of, which in terms made them irritated and not like spending any time with me. Seeing their reactions were much different when it was happening first hand and I knew to change or else I'd get left behind. By this point in time, I had it all figured out and knew what I had to do. It was already too late to patch it up with some, but with others, I fought hard not to let that string break. I stopped being such a downer to my friends and their grimaces because genuine smiles again. Even my family had seen the change and took to it with a whole new heart. While I was looking at everything with a pessimistic heart, the present was still moving, while I had still wanted to stay in the past. "You can't keep relying on others about your problems. You need to be able to do things yourself and stop being so selfish." My dad told me this when I was in another stump of mine because he was annoyed by the constant blank face and silent lips.
Taking his words to heart, I didn't really feel all that great, but I learned something valuable. In order to pass this stump of being dependent on others, I needed to put aside my petty problems and accept that I wasn't perfect and needed much molding to fix it. Putting it simply would mean that my opinion on the world changed as well. Divorce was a selfish way for adults to break away from their pasts and love is only temporary. Marriages last when people know how to put up with one another, while saying what you really felt inside would always give back negative results, so it was better to just ignore it. People don't like it when you're honest and only will be happy with the things they want to hear. I'm always left with two options: to be honest and be ridiculed for it, or keep silent and have the world move smoothly and at peace. Sacrificing one person's happiness is better than putting a whole group's hearts in jeopardy, so why couldn't I have realized it sooner? To be really honest, I'll admit I'll tell white lies often; not directly lying to someone, but feigning innocence or changing the subject when asked about how I really feel. I got better at it, but living life as an adult is a much harder change to accept than being a kid; Even though it is hard, I'll still make it somehow and hopefully the future will lighten up.
I wasn't exactly sure, but I would panic and take refuge by shrouding away to the next best things: Friends. They weren't family and didn't exactly know your entire life story, but they were there for you when things brought you down. You had shared moments that made you cry together and moments that made you smile 'till your face hurt and your stomach was cramping from laughing so hard. It would be the same as before, but whenever I had come across a dilemma, I'd immediately go to tell them instead of the people that had the same blood running through their veins as me; I didn't want to even look at this so called family of mine, feeling betrayed by their actions. Friends would always lend a helping hand when I was in this stump and always wanted the best for me, until I began to get mixed feelings about their actions. Elated smiles became forced and stiff while spending time together seemed to always lead to awkward silence, with both parties doing their own separate things. It was almost as though they didn't want to listen and me jabbering on and on was starting to deteriorate at the friendship bit by bit.
Seeing them upset and uncomfortable was never your intention and you realize what had been happening. It had been your fault. Not being cognizant of their feelings and just being selfish on your own; it was like they only were there because they felt bad, they pitied me. I used them to vent my feelings about my past I couldn't let go of, which in terms made them irritated and not like spending any time with me. Seeing their reactions were much different when it was happening first hand and I knew to change or else I'd get left behind. By this point in time, I had it all figured out and knew what I had to do. It was already too late to patch it up with some, but with others, I fought hard not to let that string break. I stopped being such a downer to my friends and their grimaces because genuine smiles again. Even my family had seen the change and took to it with a whole new heart. While I was looking at everything with a pessimistic heart, the present was still moving, while I had still wanted to stay in the past. "You can't keep relying on others about your problems. You need to be able to do things yourself and stop being so selfish." My dad told me this when I was in another stump of mine because he was annoyed by the constant blank face and silent lips.
Taking his words to heart, I didn't really feel all that great, but I learned something valuable. In order to pass this stump of being dependent on others, I needed to put aside my petty problems and accept that I wasn't perfect and needed much molding to fix it. Putting it simply would mean that my opinion on the world changed as well. Divorce was a selfish way for adults to break away from their pasts and love is only temporary. Marriages last when people know how to put up with one another, while saying what you really felt inside would always give back negative results, so it was better to just ignore it. People don't like it when you're honest and only will be happy with the things they want to hear. I'm always left with two options: to be honest and be ridiculed for it, or keep silent and have the world move smoothly and at peace. Sacrificing one person's happiness is better than putting a whole group's hearts in jeopardy, so why couldn't I have realized it sooner? To be really honest, I'll admit I'll tell white lies often; not directly lying to someone, but feigning innocence or changing the subject when asked about how I really feel. I got better at it, but living life as an adult is a much harder change to accept than being a kid; Even though it is hard, I'll still make it somehow and hopefully the future will lighten up.
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